Monthly Archives: April 2007

Dust Bunnies

When my kids were little, I wanted to find a way to stay home with them.  Small problem, I was a newly divorced single mom with 0% help from Prince Charming.  I also had no desire to be on welfare.  I worked outside the home, briefly, until a babysitter assaulted Matty (bit him all over his arms till he was black and blue, that is a whole other post, but yes, I pressed charges!) when he was 2.  I decided, hey, since I am spending every lousy dime on the damned daycare, why not become the daycare, and get paid for staying home with my sweeties?  I love kids, lots and lots, so that’s what I did.

I read all you wonderful young, mamas with your cute as a bug photos with your adorable kidlets and it all rushes back to me:  being overwhelmed, yes, and broke, for sure, but also the fun, the joy, how great the holidays are with a cute little ankle biter in the house.  I miss the excitement of GOING! TO! THE ZOO!  TO SEE MONKEYS, FOR REAL ONES! and being led by the hand by an excited little person to see a cool leaf or a neat bug.  That is the good stuff.  Only trouble is, when you are in the middle of it you are too derned exhausted to enjoy it.

I thought I would post my favorite smaller kids ideas from time to time, and if you masterful mamas want to, you could leave your great tips in the comments or on your blog and tell me about it here.

Here is my favorite “Letting Them Help- Easter Edition.”  Little guys love to help with chores, as a rule, as long as they are cool, big people chores, like sweeping, mopping, or dusting, and not sticky yucky kid chores, like picking up the toys.  I got a cheap feather duster (from Target I think) and a bunny-ear headband (viva la Dollartree!).  Each day, a different kid got a turn to be the “Dust Bunny.”  The Dust Bunny got to wear the cool bunny ears and dust to his or her heart’s content.  The kids frickin loved it, and believe me, I never had to hurt my back dusting the baseboards, every low surface stayed so dust free you could manufacture micro-chips.  I would dust the up high stuff, or better yet (to them) put the kid on my shoulders to get the high shelves and pictures on the wall.

Try it with your kids and let me know how the Spring Cleaning goes!

Want some free jewelry?

I pink puffy heart this site and order way to much from them.  I am not saying that I’m cheap (oh yes I am, out of necesity mostly) but I love a good kid’s birthday present that is under $10.  Under $6 is even better! My rule is that it has to look more expensive, so people don’t realize how cheap it was what a good bargain shopper I am!  I have been giving this jewelry to my daughter’s friends since they were about 8, always to ooohs and ahhhs and “you shouldn’t have”s and now that she is a teen, they still like it.  I order extra for the present closet because no one seems to give you any dang notice that they are having a party anymore.  Why is that?  Anyway, check this out, if you wanna.

What Mallory Needs

This is the best meme ever, stolen from Joshilyn Jackson at Faster than Kudzu. 

What you do is google your name and the word needs.  So I googled “Mallory needs…” and here are the first 10 entries:

1.  Mallory needs a toy (oy, how did google find out about my B.O.B. post?!)

2.  Mallory needs ketchup on her burger (true.  and mustard and mayo please.  oh, and better make it a veggie burger!)

3.  Mallory needs a bodyguard (um, do you know something I don’t know?)

4.  Mallory needs access to the traffic (ah, no, actually, I get plenty o’ traffic driving the kids to school in Outer Bumsquat morning and afternoon, thanks anyway!)

5.  Mallory needs to be here (ok, you got me!  Where’s the party?!)

6.  Mallory needs a real job, one that produces a bona fided W-2 (Wow this is scarily accurate, sort of, ‘cuz I have a real job but I am on a leave of absence and now I am slaving away at housework and wound care and other fun stuff but it does not pay (except in hugs and love and gratitude, which is more than enough, but still,  I will now demand a W-2 from my disabled mother.  Thank you, google!)

7.  Mallory needs to humiliate him and Pepper will lose his marbles (Ok, I’m game, hey Pepper, your name is a seasoning!  Take that!)

8.  Mallory needs to take up collecting stamps or something (um, ok, I choose “or something” )

9.  Mallory needs to go back to wherever she’s been whoring around (ok, Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?)

10.  Mallory needs to spend hundreds of millions of dollars (now this one is definitely my favorite!  Let’s get started now!)

Ok, now it’s your turn!  You do it and let me know in the comments so I can come read it!

Mallory, From A-Z

[UPDATE: If you do this meme tell me in the comments so I can come to your blog and read it!  Long live the meme!]

A is for Age: 
37.  Over-the-hill but not quite under it.  So, yay me.

B is for Booze of choice:
Shirley Temples.  Not really, but what’s a tee-totaler to say?  Iced tea and plenty of it is my preferred libation.
C is for Career:
Mom.  Everything else is secondary…
D is for your Dog’s name:
Hazel, Australian Shepherd extraordinaire.  I also have Smokey the Lame but Adorable Cat, Trevor the Female Aquatic Frog. 

E is for Essential Care Instructions:
Hmmm.  Feed me, love me, rub my back, give me lots of iced tea.  Do not wake me up.  And presents!  Presents are nice…

F is for Favorite food at the moment:
Orange Chicken from Panda Express. 

G is for favorite Games:
“Zuma” and “What Word” and “Jeopardy” on the ‘puter; “Cranium” is definitely my favorite board game.

H is for Hometown:
Roswell, NM.  Seriously.  I am not an alien that I know of, however.

I is for Instruments you play:
I can play Silent Night and Jingle Bells on the piano.  I live in hope of getting lessons one day and broadening my repretore.
J is for favorite Jams:  On my ipod, you’ll find everything from Sheryl Crow to Paul Simon, Nora Jones to my favorite 80’s songs like Funky Town and Le Freak.

K is for Kids:
Lovely Liliana, age 14 (!) and Wicked Witted Mathew, age just turned 12 in March.
L is for Last kiss:
This morning, from Hazel, unfortunately.

M is for Most admired trait:
Hmmm.  Well, I guess I would say intelligence and sense of humor, but then I would, wouldn’t I? lol

N is for Name of your crush:
Crush? None to speak of.  Ok, I am waiting to see if Matt Damon’s marriage works out…
O is for Overnight hospital stays:
Having my tonsils out, age 7; Having my gallbladder out, last August, Having my babies out, age 23 and 25

P is for phobias:
Heights.  Falling.  A wee bit scared of air travel, which seems natural, considering it involves both heights and the possibility of falling.  Yikes!
Q is for quotes you like:
 “I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.” John Burroughs

R is for biggest Regret:
Not working my ass off in school, getting lots of scholarships and becomming a doctor.
S is for Sweets of your choice:
Chocolate: preferably See’s, but a nice Lindor Truffle or Hershey’s Symphony bar will do in a pinch.
T is for Time you wake up:
6 a.m, generally.  Unless I have CBS- “Cozy Bed Syndrome”  then later
U is for Unique Facts: I was on a t.v. show as a child, aged 11-14.  It cured me of ever wanting to be famous.

V is for Vegetable you love:
Broccoli, asperagas, sweet corn on the cob, a good spinach salad.  Thank God I love veggies.
W is for Worst Habit:
Too many to list.  Ok, ok, I’m a (reformed) slob and I eat too much. 

X is for X-rays you’ve had:
When I was 11 for broken wrist, and again when I was 13 for you guessed it, the same broken wrist.  Also lots of dental x-rays, and chest x-rays because I am prone to pneumonia.

Y is for Yummy food you make:
I make a pretty good potato salad, my mom’s recipe.  I also make a mean brownie and chocolate chip cookies.  I have recently discovered that I am a good but reluctant cook.

Z is for Zodiac sign:
Capricorn.  Famous for being stubborn.  That part is true, but I think Astrology is all hooey.

The Eyes Have It

eyes1.jpgA multiple personality disorder, that is.  I would normally say my eyes are green, but here they look really blue. 

Do your eyes do this too? 

Or this more proof of my alien heritage?

What about B.O.B.?

Are you dating B.O.B. ?  A lot of my friends are, and they aren’t shy about singing his praises in the bedroom.  What’s more, a lot of them are married, and most of their husbands know all about their flings with B.O.B.  Some even encourage their wives and girlfriends to be with him! 

B.O.B. stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend, the secret identity of things that go buzz in the night and cause squeals of delight.  Once relegated to the plain brown wrapper mailorder and secreted away in shame, vibrators are coming out of the nightstands in all their twirling, whirring, purring glory.  When soccer moms get together for party plan sales event at a hostess’ house, that’s not Tupperware they’re buying, those are toys for big girls and boys.  Playthings with names like The Magic Bullet, the Eager Beaver, and the legendary wascally Rabbit of Sex In The City fame.

I have never been to one of these Passions parties, but I’m not saying I wouldn’t go if asked.  Yvonne from Joy Unexpected wrote about her Passion party experience and I almost needed Depends to read her account of the Girls Gone Wild, Suburban Housewife Edition that ensued.  Even if I wasn’t in the market for a B.O.B. of my own to date, you can bet I’d be all over that action, and I swear to Bob I’ma gonna take photos!

The joy buzzers that intrigue me most are not the edible undies or Long Dong Silvers.  Nope, the B.O.Bs that set my imagination  in motion are the James Bonds of the B.O.B. world, what I like to call the “Stealth B.O.B.s.”  These are the pleasure wands that go incognito: that lipstick in your girlfriend’s purse?  Um, you might not want to borrow that, no matter how great the shade!  (But you really might want to get your own!)  Ditto with her nail polish: it may not be her nails she’s been polishing.  There are Stealth B.O.B.s that masquerade as flashlights (“oh!  the lights!  they are flashing!”)  and as keychains.  But my absolute fav has got to be the sweet faced little rubber ducky that looks for all the world like the one favored by Ernie on Sesame Street.  No wonder he is so crazy about that rubber ducky!  It brings a whole new meaning to the little ditty he sings, “Rubber ducky, you’re th one!  You make bath time lots of fun!”

You’re probably wondering if I, um, rub my duckie.  Well, tell you what, you show me your nightstand and I’ll show you mine!  Inquiring minds want to know:  Have you ever been to any of these Passion parties?  If you do get down with B.O.B, does your sweetie know, and if they know, how do they feel about it? 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to do some late night shopping…

[Edited to add:  I chickened out.  My nightstand is sadly empty.  I just pictured my dad getting the mail and seeing the package and mistaking it for my mom’s medical supplies or something and thinking “Hmmm….wonder what kind of wound care you do with this here thing?”  Seriously, do you remember the “electric ear cleaner” from the movie Parenthood?]